Other timely pictures.
And worth a listen.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Sigh...
It's not been a great year.
I said last year that things have long since been divided into academic years and so forth. I guess I was happier earlier in the year. These past few months haven't been very nice though. I don't know how I'll see my time at BPP. I hope I don't associate it with too much negativity, the place deserves better, I think. So far, anyway.
It's a nice place to be, when understood within the confines of what it tries to be.
Personally, its been a bit of a nightmare of late. Things I've kept to one side for a large part of the year have come rushing back to the surface with all the intensity of old. The familiarity of the feeling means I won't do anything stupid, god willing, but it does hurt. I've been proved right, and it only makes me feel worse. That's a sad place to be.
Hello, darkness my old friend.
I hope I'll look back on this time and laugh. Some day.
I've said this before. A long time ago. about six and a half years ago, to be precise. When I used a pen and paper, to errr, blog.
The difference between then and now is I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. (Maybe I do, but she's so way out of my league it isn't funny. And far away.) It looks black as pitch to me. And there is also the understanding that miracles don't happen twice in life. I received a stay of execution once. I don't think it'll happen again. If I've to lift myself out of this, I'll need to find hitherto untapped reserves of strength.
Those difficult times also saw me make the best decision I ever took, which I wouldn't have taken if I hadn't been through such a tough time. Not once have I regretted studying law. I look back on that decision and it's circumstances now with a smile. We shall see what I make of this period, in time.
When you walk through a storm,
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark
At the end of the storm
There's a golden sky
And the sweet silver song
of a lark
Walk on, through the wind
Walk on through the rain
Though your dreams be tossed and blown
Walk on, walk on
with hope in your heart.
And you'll never walk alone.
You'll never walk alone.
Supporting Liverpool has helped. It really has. Sometimes, something as silly as supporting a football team can be comforting. Ever so slightly.
You've helped too. All of you, who I talk to. To just talk, (or type) is nice. It's nice to have you. It's easy to feel friendless every now and then and that's not fair to you.
Happy new year.
And happy new year to me.
Lets see what the next year brings. It shall be faced, at the very least. It's all I think I can promise.
I said last year that things have long since been divided into academic years and so forth. I guess I was happier earlier in the year. These past few months haven't been very nice though. I don't know how I'll see my time at BPP. I hope I don't associate it with too much negativity, the place deserves better, I think. So far, anyway.
It's a nice place to be, when understood within the confines of what it tries to be.
Personally, its been a bit of a nightmare of late. Things I've kept to one side for a large part of the year have come rushing back to the surface with all the intensity of old. The familiarity of the feeling means I won't do anything stupid, god willing, but it does hurt. I've been proved right, and it only makes me feel worse. That's a sad place to be.
Hello, darkness my old friend.
I hope I'll look back on this time and laugh. Some day.
I've said this before. A long time ago. about six and a half years ago, to be precise. When I used a pen and paper, to errr, blog.
The difference between then and now is I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. (Maybe I do, but she's so way out of my league it isn't funny. And far away.) It looks black as pitch to me. And there is also the understanding that miracles don't happen twice in life. I received a stay of execution once. I don't think it'll happen again. If I've to lift myself out of this, I'll need to find hitherto untapped reserves of strength.
Those difficult times also saw me make the best decision I ever took, which I wouldn't have taken if I hadn't been through such a tough time. Not once have I regretted studying law. I look back on that decision and it's circumstances now with a smile. We shall see what I make of this period, in time.
When you walk through a storm,
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark
At the end of the storm
There's a golden sky
And the sweet silver song
of a lark
Walk on, through the wind
Walk on through the rain
Though your dreams be tossed and blown
Walk on, walk on
with hope in your heart.
And you'll never walk alone.
You'll never walk alone.
Supporting Liverpool has helped. It really has. Sometimes, something as silly as supporting a football team can be comforting. Ever so slightly.
You've helped too. All of you, who I talk to. To just talk, (or type) is nice. It's nice to have you. It's easy to feel friendless every now and then and that's not fair to you.
Happy new year.
And happy new year to me.
Lets see what the next year brings. It shall be faced, at the very least. It's all I think I can promise.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Remember, remember
She's been shot.
Hmmm.
I remember when Rajiv Gandhi was shot.
'twas interesting. Seeing those montages about "India's Rajiv" and so forth. Probably just as well I cared about little other than cartoons back then, or I might have been taken in.
I see the same thing now.
An articulate, highly intelligent(Oxford, Harvard yeah?) and drop dead gorgeous (!) power wielder has been murdered. An absolute shoo in for martyrdom. Even in this day and age when talk of female power conjures up images of black leather, whips and ummm...,...err..., rather than stateswomen.
Enjoy that one. It's supposed to be stark, extreme etc etc. Shock value. You get the idea.
She's going to be more famous dead than alive, I think. I haven't an opinion of her as a political figure as I haven't much information, though I do have thoughts on the deal she cut with Musharraf. Then again that's cause its annoyingly hard to ignore Imran Khan when you're looking at Pakistan through British eyes. Sad how you can't believe anyone these days.
Most Pakistanis I've met have surprisingly only one thing to say. And pretty much the same thing.
That slut will sleep with anybody to get what she wants
What fun. Political opinions come in all shapes and sizes. Roughly translated it just means unscrupulous, I suppose. I wonder what the male equivalent would be...hmmm...there's the He sucks c*** line. But that's not the same thing. That's derogation by reference to homosexual behaviour. Sad.
Hmm.
Essentially masculine behaviour is never derogatory? There isn't a sexual insult or comment you can make of a man that's similar. Atleast I can't think of one off the top of my head. They're all references to deviant others.
Oh well.
Nevermind.
Be that as it may, romanticising Bhutto's life might serve a purpose I think. The image of women politicians could use a little help. What with Hillary Clinton coming up the hill. She could turn into a Richard Nixon very easily. She appears to have all the makings of one, and if she does the States atleast, can say bye bye to future women presidents for a while.
All of which is loads of fun. But what really caught the eye was this business of Al Qaeda taking responsibility.
Oh dear. I disbelieve. Maybe it's all the 9/11 documentaries, but I disbelieve. To paraphrase codename V, in a movie that you really must watch
There is something terribly wrong, isn't there?
Sigh.
One day. Perhaps. If I'm good enough to get there.
Hmmm.
I remember when Rajiv Gandhi was shot.
'twas interesting. Seeing those montages about "India's Rajiv" and so forth. Probably just as well I cared about little other than cartoons back then, or I might have been taken in.
I see the same thing now.
An articulate, highly intelligent(Oxford, Harvard yeah?) and drop dead gorgeous (!) power wielder has been murdered. An absolute shoo in for martyrdom. Even in this day and age when talk of female power conjures up images of black leather, whips and ummm...,...err..., rather than stateswomen.
Enjoy that one. It's supposed to be stark, extreme etc etc. Shock value. You get the idea.
She's going to be more famous dead than alive, I think. I haven't an opinion of her as a political figure as I haven't much information, though I do have thoughts on the deal she cut with Musharraf. Then again that's cause its annoyingly hard to ignore Imran Khan when you're looking at Pakistan through British eyes. Sad how you can't believe anyone these days.
Most Pakistanis I've met have surprisingly only one thing to say. And pretty much the same thing.
That slut will sleep with anybody to get what she wants
What fun. Political opinions come in all shapes and sizes. Roughly translated it just means unscrupulous, I suppose. I wonder what the male equivalent would be...hmmm...there's the He sucks c*** line. But that's not the same thing. That's derogation by reference to homosexual behaviour. Sad.
Hmm.
Essentially masculine behaviour is never derogatory? There isn't a sexual insult or comment you can make of a man that's similar. Atleast I can't think of one off the top of my head. They're all references to deviant others.
Oh well.
Nevermind.
Be that as it may, romanticising Bhutto's life might serve a purpose I think. The image of women politicians could use a little help. What with Hillary Clinton coming up the hill. She could turn into a Richard Nixon very easily. She appears to have all the makings of one, and if she does the States atleast, can say bye bye to future women presidents for a while.
All of which is loads of fun. But what really caught the eye was this business of Al Qaeda taking responsibility.
Oh dear. I disbelieve. Maybe it's all the 9/11 documentaries, but I disbelieve. To paraphrase codename V, in a movie that you really must watch
There is something terribly wrong, isn't there?
Sigh.
One day. Perhaps. If I'm good enough to get there.
The hopeless romantic...
Hahahahahahahaha
I thought I was one.
But hey, every now and then I've to tip my hat in a certain direction.
For all you disillusioned corporate folk, I give you
http://ifmr.ac.in/abhyudaya08
Watch and be happy.
And I do apologize if you've ever liked Linkin Park.
They're also down the road from the mama and the papa. I'll get very bugged if they're a nuisance. Poor doggie won't like it either.
I thought I was one.
But hey, every now and then I've to tip my hat in a certain direction.
For all you disillusioned corporate folk, I give you
http://ifmr.ac.in/abhyudaya08
Watch and be happy.
And I do apologize if you've ever liked Linkin Park.
They're also down the road from the mama and the papa. I'll get very bugged if they're a nuisance. Poor doggie won't like it either.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Stuck in my head...
For some reason...
Atleast its a nice song. I'm more used to awful songs being stuck in my head. Interesting lyrics too, heheheheheh.
Yuck!
The face of a clown is the face of innocence, and innocence goes to the wall in German Society after the Second World War, when double dealing and double standards have become a way of life, Heinrich Boll's clown is a professional entertainer in his late twenties who has reached the end of his tether: an unhappy drunk abandoned by the woman he loves, too honest and disillusioned to compromise, he sits in his lonely furnished flat and calls for help or consolation of any kind. For this is a study in hypocrisy- emotional, sexual religious and political- where the majority are smugly blinkered and the rest are caught in a trap they fail to understand, let alone escape.
Heh. Here.
I'm sure you were thoroughly amused when you bought this for me.
Most people try, but only you've ever managed to make me actually feel average. I don't know, Anna, if I should be grateful or annoyed I know you.
And yes, the first few pages are gripping. I get the feeling I'm going to wish I hadn't read it, but I can't put it down.
And the point still stands. I still only find company in fiction. Never met anybody in real life, willing to admit to being like me.
Heh. Here.
I'm sure you were thoroughly amused when you bought this for me.
Most people try, but only you've ever managed to make me actually feel average. I don't know, Anna, if I should be grateful or annoyed I know you.
And yes, the first few pages are gripping. I get the feeling I'm going to wish I hadn't read it, but I can't put it down.
And the point still stands. I still only find company in fiction. Never met anybody in real life, willing to admit to being like me.
Teacher's report
Dear God
I'm stark raving mad. Completely and utterly.
God help anybody who ever takes me seriously. It was probably just as well I was discarded as I was.
Who in their right minds would come near me?
I wouldn't.
I'd stay far away. Far far away.
Why was I built like this?
I'm stark raving mad. Completely and utterly.
God help anybody who ever takes me seriously. It was probably just as well I was discarded as I was.
Who in their right minds would come near me?
I wouldn't.
I'd stay far away. Far far away.
Why was I built like this?
Hurts every time...
And keeps hurting...
An open wound that will not clot, will not heal.
This is not my life. This should never have been.
Time moves on, the world progresses, but the only thing I know for certain is there will be more bullets coming my way. From the same place. I'd be mildly interested in which one hurts more. An academic interest, figuring out what was more important to me.
Stop. Please. I can take no more. Let go of me. I wish you to not matter.
One might as well ask the world to stop spinning. The days to stop moving, and everything frozen in time. I see more misery ahead and haven't the courage to face it.
Of all the things in the world, love has been the easiest for me to define. Its quite simple really. Its a disease, a sickness that makes you half the person you could be. You can recognize it from the way it hurts. Nothing like it.
Let go of me.
Its hard to feign indifference, to pretend its alright when people talk about you, and the choices you've made, and how foolish I look. I've known people to tell themselves and the world at large that a person was not worth it. Even tell themselves that it was they who ended things. Sour grapes, and all that.
And god knows, I've got plenty of ammunition. Just like you have. You used some. There's more, I'm sure. I didn't. I also have more credibility than you ever will. But I've only ever had a shield in my hand.
I refuse to sink that low. Despite what you might think, I never have.
And reality for me, has never been a convenient illusion. Self delusion has never been my thing. I have not that survival skill.
The afterlife was probably invented for people like me. Will I see you there? I hope not. It will mean I've had the life I see in front of me.
Whoever said you must always look forward and not back was probably blind.
An open wound that will not clot, will not heal.
This is not my life. This should never have been.
Time moves on, the world progresses, but the only thing I know for certain is there will be more bullets coming my way. From the same place. I'd be mildly interested in which one hurts more. An academic interest, figuring out what was more important to me.
Stop. Please. I can take no more. Let go of me. I wish you to not matter.
One might as well ask the world to stop spinning. The days to stop moving, and everything frozen in time. I see more misery ahead and haven't the courage to face it.
Of all the things in the world, love has been the easiest for me to define. Its quite simple really. Its a disease, a sickness that makes you half the person you could be. You can recognize it from the way it hurts. Nothing like it.
Let go of me.
Its hard to feign indifference, to pretend its alright when people talk about you, and the choices you've made, and how foolish I look. I've known people to tell themselves and the world at large that a person was not worth it. Even tell themselves that it was they who ended things. Sour grapes, and all that.
And god knows, I've got plenty of ammunition. Just like you have. You used some. There's more, I'm sure. I didn't. I also have more credibility than you ever will. But I've only ever had a shield in my hand.
I refuse to sink that low. Despite what you might think, I never have.
And reality for me, has never been a convenient illusion. Self delusion has never been my thing. I have not that survival skill.
The afterlife was probably invented for people like me. Will I see you there? I hope not. It will mean I've had the life I see in front of me.
Whoever said you must always look forward and not back was probably blind.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Sigh.
The thing about life in fishbowls, is it doesn't really prepare you for the way people on the outside think. Its been close to two years now. Arguing ideas with people, trying as best as you can to take them through the steps you took not so long ago. Last year I had to get used to people telling me that just because I could articulate better didn't mean I was right.
It was very annoying, but still nicer, and polite. These days, living amongst a bunch of uprooted Indians, polite conversation is at such a premium. Most of the time I just get shouted down, or insulted to my face.
"What a load of s***. You don't f****** know what you're talking about."
I find things like this extremely insulting. Especially when I can wait patiently for somebody to finish talking through his hat.
And it is so, so very tempting to just turn away and say "Not worth my time." Why do I enter into an argument that will make me feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall?
The problem is, I think stupid people should be engaged. Talked to. No matter how annoying their presumptions, how shallow their arguments and how insulting their methods. Stupid people take more important decisions than people suspect.
Best illustrated by my last moot court experience. Three people dealing with a complex issue. Two people reasonably competent, and a third anything but. As it turned out the two competent people were constantly at odds with each other, and disagreed on virtually everything. I have never faced such a battle to get my ideas into a written submission. Damn.
But because of this, the third person, the dumbest person invariably wound up with a casting vote. In effect, the fate of every decision lay in the hands of the person who least understood it. It degenerated into a battle for her mind, more than anything else. And that's an awful way to go.
This battle between proponents of a domestic violence bill/act and the Save Indian Family brigade will not be decided by either, will it? It will be decided by the dimwits of everyday existence. The plebs, the silly little Zee TV zombies, who think Karan Johar's movies are modern hard hitting critiques of Indian society. Sweet Jesus.
And yes, I said plebs. Deal with it. The masses. The mob. Idiots.
They're important. Far too many intelligent people I know simply decide not to bother. It's just too painful, putting yourself through that. Better to just wait until you're proved right, or somebody more important or likely to be listened to says what you're saying.
And yes, this one's my personal favourite...
"At your age, you must learn to keep your mouth shut and listen to people who've seen more of life than you have."
One of these days I'm going to hit the roof. As if sitting in an office, punching away at a keyboard or whatever it is you did for how many ever years has taught you oh so very much.
Life.
You know an idiot when he uses the word "life" seriously. The word "life" to make a point.
Lingering thought.
Is this what it feels like to be a "dumbass woman"?
Interesting.
(Strokes non existent beard)
Oh dear. Should I shut up? And betray everything I've learned and thought about? It might be easier. People might think I'm less nuts. The family, for one might learn to accept me again. Currently they tiptoe around me, and take care not to enter into any discussions with me.
There are times when I just manage to catch myself before launching at some self important elder, holding forth on whatever catches his fancy. I think I might make an impression at upcoming wedding.
Poor mom will have to pick up the pieces. Its the only thing that will hold me back, by God.
Bah!
It was very annoying, but still nicer, and polite. These days, living amongst a bunch of uprooted Indians, polite conversation is at such a premium. Most of the time I just get shouted down, or insulted to my face.
"What a load of s***. You don't f****** know what you're talking about."
I find things like this extremely insulting. Especially when I can wait patiently for somebody to finish talking through his hat.
And it is so, so very tempting to just turn away and say "Not worth my time." Why do I enter into an argument that will make me feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall?
The problem is, I think stupid people should be engaged. Talked to. No matter how annoying their presumptions, how shallow their arguments and how insulting their methods. Stupid people take more important decisions than people suspect.
Best illustrated by my last moot court experience. Three people dealing with a complex issue. Two people reasonably competent, and a third anything but. As it turned out the two competent people were constantly at odds with each other, and disagreed on virtually everything. I have never faced such a battle to get my ideas into a written submission. Damn.
But because of this, the third person, the dumbest person invariably wound up with a casting vote. In effect, the fate of every decision lay in the hands of the person who least understood it. It degenerated into a battle for her mind, more than anything else. And that's an awful way to go.
This battle between proponents of a domestic violence bill/act and the Save Indian Family brigade will not be decided by either, will it? It will be decided by the dimwits of everyday existence. The plebs, the silly little Zee TV zombies, who think Karan Johar's movies are modern hard hitting critiques of Indian society. Sweet Jesus.
And yes, I said plebs. Deal with it. The masses. The mob. Idiots.
They're important. Far too many intelligent people I know simply decide not to bother. It's just too painful, putting yourself through that. Better to just wait until you're proved right, or somebody more important or likely to be listened to says what you're saying.
And yes, this one's my personal favourite...
"At your age, you must learn to keep your mouth shut and listen to people who've seen more of life than you have."
One of these days I'm going to hit the roof. As if sitting in an office, punching away at a keyboard or whatever it is you did for how many ever years has taught you oh so very much.
Life.
You know an idiot when he uses the word "life" seriously. The word "life" to make a point.
Lingering thought.
Is this what it feels like to be a "dumbass woman"?
Interesting.
(Strokes non existent beard)
Oh dear. Should I shut up? And betray everything I've learned and thought about? It might be easier. People might think I'm less nuts. The family, for one might learn to accept me again. Currently they tiptoe around me, and take care not to enter into any discussions with me.
There are times when I just manage to catch myself before launching at some self important elder, holding forth on whatever catches his fancy. I think I might make an impression at upcoming wedding.
Poor mom will have to pick up the pieces. Its the only thing that will hold me back, by God.
Bah!
Monday, December 17, 2007
Bada Bing
Question: What did the Fish say when it swam into a wall????
Answer: Dam!
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Geddit, Geddit?
Tweet, tweet.
By the way the word's damn with an n.
Yes, my life's pathetic.
Question: What did the inflatable teacher at the inflatable school say to the inflatable child holding a pin?
Answer: You let me down, you let your friends down, you let your school down, but most of all you let yourself down.
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Answer: Dam!
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Geddit, Geddit?
Tweet, tweet.
By the way the word's damn with an n.
Yes, my life's pathetic.
Question: What did the inflatable teacher at the inflatable school say to the inflatable child holding a pin?
Answer: You let me down, you let your friends down, you let your school down, but most of all you let yourself down.
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, December 16, 2007
The Adventures of MannyMarvellous
or what you will.
"I miss you when you're not here, Uncle Wahul."
"I miss you too, sweetheart. Now go to sleep, okay?"
(Once it was easy to say these things. Sigh.)
"Do you miss only me or do you miss Arjun and Rosy too?"
"I miss all of you, equally."
Phew! Dodged a bullet there, Marv. 'night, 'night everybody.
So long, farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Good nii-ight
"I miss you when you're not here, Uncle Wahul."
"I miss you too, sweetheart. Now go to sleep, okay?"
(Once it was easy to say these things. Sigh.)
"Do you miss only me or do you miss Arjun and Rosy too?"
"I miss all of you, equally."
Phew! Dodged a bullet there, Marv. 'night, 'night everybody.
So long, farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Good nii-ight
Thursday, December 13, 2007
We squeeze ze brain
Employment cases under the convention have not been particularly succesful so far. Future developments will depend on imaginative lawyers and more flexible courts, but advisers must be careful not to risk costs awards against them by raising far fetched arguments
Heh.
Nothing like a potential costs award against an impoverished student advocate to block up the creative juices.
Sheesh.
How disappointing.
Heh.
Nothing like a potential costs award against an impoverished student advocate to block up the creative juices.
Sheesh.
How disappointing.
Oh well...
Dedicated to the girl who told me quite simply she missed me. That takes courage, I think. Also quite frighteningly told me
"You have all the qualities I look for in a husband but..."
Yikes.
Well, its a step up anyway. From girls telling me
"You have all the qualities I look for in a father..."
And no, there were no buts then. Ugh!
Monday, December 10, 2007
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Look at me, mama!
"Dear Rahul,
Thank you for your application for mini pupillage in Chambers. After considering your application we are happy to offer you such a place."
I'm going to be off adventuring again!!!!! Dum dum dum!!!!
"As I am sure you appreciate this is not a job, and there is no payment"
Yadayadayada. I don't care. I'm going to live the dream, even if its only for a little while.
"Nor do we subsidise travel or expenses. I don't know where you will be living, but we would try to make sure you will be working in the London area."
You needn't bother. I'll follow you into hell.
Uhhh...tempting fate. Lovely things I say every now and then. Be careful what you wish for, and all that sort of thing.
"Dear Rahul,
Thank you for your application for mini pupillage in Chambers. After considering your application we are happy to offer you such a place."
I'm going to be off adventuring again!!!!! Dum dum dum!!!!
"As I am sure you appreciate this is not a job, and there is no payment"
Yadayadayada. I don't care. I'm going to live the dream, even if its only for a little while.
"Nor do we subsidise travel or expenses. I don't know where you will be living, but we would try to make sure you will be working in the London area."
You needn't bother. I'll follow you into hell.
Uhhh...tempting fate. Lovely things I say every now and then. Be careful what you wish for, and all that sort of thing.
Pah
Metallica, Ozzy and the rest. Day after day with robotic regularity.
And one day when I decide to play Joan Baez (hurrah for youtube)I get a phone call telling me to turn the volume down.
The world is upside down.
Truly.
And one day when I decide to play Joan Baez (hurrah for youtube)I get a phone call telling me to turn the volume down.
The world is upside down.
Truly.
The silver lining
I feel the world is upside down.
Really I do.
I don't understand it. I don't understand how the people around me, past and present, make the kind of choices that they do.
It upsets me.
But every now and then, when I'm feeling particularly evil, I laugh. It amuses me to see them run around, doing the "sensible" things. To look up at them, flailing about on the ceiling. An existence that seems so very pointless.
There are times when I wish I could join them. They look happy. They tell the world they're happy. They're not lying, are they? I hope for their sake that they aren't. There are a few of them whose happiness I care for.
It really does depend on how well you can convince yourself, doesn't it? And if you can you won't want to see me, and be reminded of the alternative. A different existence, one you can't afford to understand. Its hard, miserable and desperately lonely most times, but you're the one who can't look me in the eye.
I'm sorry angel. He's got the personality of a brick.
I wish I loved you enough to lie to you, but I don't. I'm quite indifferent really. Less than I used to be, but still quite indifferent. I hope I'm wrong. Wonderful things happen when I'm wrong. But I'm not wrong often.
Oh my god.
This might be the most evil thing I've ever written. But I can't help it. I'm laughing. I really am.
And this is still an honest blog.
Really I do.
I don't understand it. I don't understand how the people around me, past and present, make the kind of choices that they do.
It upsets me.
But every now and then, when I'm feeling particularly evil, I laugh. It amuses me to see them run around, doing the "sensible" things. To look up at them, flailing about on the ceiling. An existence that seems so very pointless.
There are times when I wish I could join them. They look happy. They tell the world they're happy. They're not lying, are they? I hope for their sake that they aren't. There are a few of them whose happiness I care for.
It really does depend on how well you can convince yourself, doesn't it? And if you can you won't want to see me, and be reminded of the alternative. A different existence, one you can't afford to understand. Its hard, miserable and desperately lonely most times, but you're the one who can't look me in the eye.
I'm sorry angel. He's got the personality of a brick.
I wish I loved you enough to lie to you, but I don't. I'm quite indifferent really. Less than I used to be, but still quite indifferent. I hope I'm wrong. Wonderful things happen when I'm wrong. But I'm not wrong often.
Oh my god.
This might be the most evil thing I've ever written. But I can't help it. I'm laughing. I really am.
And this is still an honest blog.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
Friday, December 07, 2007
Company
Part of being unapologetically loony, is that you can feel terribly terribly lonely. There is just nobody who relates, nobody who's ever said to me
"I know how you feel."
Its more how crazy I am. That I'm nuts to feel the way that I do. It makes me feel like there is nobody who shares my experience. That can't be, can it? I've certainly never met anybody.
But I wonder. What about the person who wrote this song...
No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
No one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies
But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
No one knows what it's like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through
But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool
If I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
If I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat
No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
What would I do without music. Like this one. Its a classic. Makes me believe I'm not so alone. But I wonder. If this was written intuitively or from experience. Writers create from both, do they not? If I'm the sort of person you find in a book rather than real life. The kind, who the story isn't really written about, but makes everybody thing else shine brighter. The person you feel for, but wouldn't go near.
I want a story too. I want a happy one.
Hmmm.
Oh well.
I've been feeling especially melodramatic of late. Sniff.
"I know how you feel."
Its more how crazy I am. That I'm nuts to feel the way that I do. It makes me feel like there is nobody who shares my experience. That can't be, can it? I've certainly never met anybody.
But I wonder. What about the person who wrote this song...
No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
No one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies
But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
No one knows what it's like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through
But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool
If I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
If I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat
No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
What would I do without music. Like this one. Its a classic. Makes me believe I'm not so alone. But I wonder. If this was written intuitively or from experience. Writers create from both, do they not? If I'm the sort of person you find in a book rather than real life. The kind, who the story isn't really written about, but makes everybody thing else shine brighter. The person you feel for, but wouldn't go near.
I want a story too. I want a happy one.
Hmmm.
Oh well.
I've been feeling especially melodramatic of late. Sniff.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Memories
Not that I ever cared. But I do remember saying something similar in my more reflective moods...
"In Nader's view, all of the ugly aspects of government were caused by the wrong people getting elected. If we could just elect better people, then we'd get better policies. Stigler argued that it didn't matter who the people were—once they got in office, they responded to incentives. They would convince themselves that they were doing the right thing, either because they really thought so or because doing the wrong thing was necessary in order to be able to do the right thing down the line."
And some were better than others at using the cloak of legitimacy. The disgust you feel, that I don't really share to be honest, is more because you didn't see through the cloak. Chose to believe, for any number of reasons.
Had you seen through the farce, you would still be friends.
People are strange things.
"In Nader's view, all of the ugly aspects of government were caused by the wrong people getting elected. If we could just elect better people, then we'd get better policies. Stigler argued that it didn't matter who the people were—once they got in office, they responded to incentives. They would convince themselves that they were doing the right thing, either because they really thought so or because doing the wrong thing was necessary in order to be able to do the right thing down the line."
And some were better than others at using the cloak of legitimacy. The disgust you feel, that I don't really share to be honest, is more because you didn't see through the cloak. Chose to believe, for any number of reasons.
Had you seen through the farce, you would still be friends.
People are strange things.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Y'know...
or you should know that Nair is a bit of a war veteran when it comes to mooting. Nair has also stood up in court, gown and all.
Nair was always on the losing side, even in court as it turned out, so Nair isn't the kind of blindingly brilliant battlewinner you'd want on your team.
Blindingly brilliant battlewinner.
Teehee. Nice one.
Nair is more the bloodied, battle scarred general, who could survey the battlefield, see the inevitable, and smile.
"Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back".
(My word, I don't half romanticise my existence, do I?)
Well, think of Captain Bluntschli. He was fun. For the first Act anyway. After that the thing got annoying.
Be that as it may, because of this, Nair gets invited to judge moot courts every so often. And Nair was judging one last evening when...
teehee.
There was this female speaker. And she was a pretty average speaker. (Also pretty!). Good in patches, but on the whole nothing dramatic. Needs a lot of work is the verdict. What she said didn't make much sense.
But damn. She had this voice. It fell so very pleasantly, making you feel like you're listening to a song but aren't. (Not to be confused with Mallu sing song english.Eeek). I'd say it was like leaves rustling or some such, but I wouldn't know. Never paid much attention to leaves.
Nair very nearly flipped.
Probably embarassed himself when giving feedback. Nair told her in open court she could be a radio star. DEAR GOD! (I think she blushed. Don't know.)
Nair just stopped short of giving her a few extra points. Nair's experiences with flirty female mooters still rankles. But hey, for a minute there...well...
'tis a tough life.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Is there anything sexier than an articulate woman?
Nair was always on the losing side, even in court as it turned out, so Nair isn't the kind of blindingly brilliant battlewinner you'd want on your team.
Blindingly brilliant battlewinner.
Teehee. Nice one.
Nair is more the bloodied, battle scarred general, who could survey the battlefield, see the inevitable, and smile.
"Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back".
(My word, I don't half romanticise my existence, do I?)
Well, think of Captain Bluntschli. He was fun. For the first Act anyway. After that the thing got annoying.
Be that as it may, because of this, Nair gets invited to judge moot courts every so often. And Nair was judging one last evening when...
teehee.
There was this female speaker. And she was a pretty average speaker. (Also pretty!). Good in patches, but on the whole nothing dramatic. Needs a lot of work is the verdict. What she said didn't make much sense.
But damn. She had this voice. It fell so very pleasantly, making you feel like you're listening to a song but aren't. (Not to be confused with Mallu sing song english.Eeek). I'd say it was like leaves rustling or some such, but I wouldn't know. Never paid much attention to leaves.
Nair very nearly flipped.
Probably embarassed himself when giving feedback. Nair told her in open court she could be a radio star. DEAR GOD! (I think she blushed. Don't know.)
Nair just stopped short of giving her a few extra points. Nair's experiences with flirty female mooters still rankles. But hey, for a minute there...well...
'tis a tough life.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Is there anything sexier than an articulate woman?
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
I get this feeling
That things will get much, much worse before they ever get better. If they ever are to get better.
A premonition. A sense of dread.
A piece of news, a change in circumstance, a shift. What is inevitable in time.
I just hope it doesn't knock me sideways. And I can take it.
God help me.
A premonition. A sense of dread.
A piece of news, a change in circumstance, a shift. What is inevitable in time.
I just hope it doesn't knock me sideways. And I can take it.
God help me.
Another Candle
Boop.
Dear Rahul,
______ _______ ________ does not assist with work permit applications for Training Contracts.
Yours Sincerely,
_________
What fun.
Dear Rahul,
______ _______ ________ does not assist with work permit applications for Training Contracts.
Yours Sincerely,
_________
What fun.
Monday, December 03, 2007
Sigh...
This is a tough old period.
Personally, professionally and most other ways I can think of.
I just hope this is a phase.
And that I will look back at this time and smile.
I've been here before. And I have looked back and felt grateful for it, realizing that but for the circumstances I was in, I never would have taken the kind of decisions I did. Decisions that turned out well for me.
Oh, I don't know.
Time.
Only time.
And a prayer.
Personally, professionally and most other ways I can think of.
I just hope this is a phase.
And that I will look back at this time and smile.
I've been here before. And I have looked back and felt grateful for it, realizing that but for the circumstances I was in, I never would have taken the kind of decisions I did. Decisions that turned out well for me.
Oh, I don't know.
Time.
Only time.
And a prayer.
The heart
is just not in it.
I've just gotten a rejection letter from one of the biggest law firms in the world. Expected really. These types will not fall over themselves for me. Far from it.
Did I care?
Not an inch. Was miffed for a minute. But it's just more proof than ever of where the heart lies.
I do hope that works out. It probably won't. I just hope I manage, one way or another.
I've just gotten a rejection letter from one of the biggest law firms in the world. Expected really. These types will not fall over themselves for me. Far from it.
Did I care?
Not an inch. Was miffed for a minute. But it's just more proof than ever of where the heart lies.
I do hope that works out. It probably won't. I just hope I manage, one way or another.
Cold sweat
More nightmares. So crystal clear. They terrify me.
Putting me back in places I never want to be again, looking at things and people I never want to see again.
Illustrating with remarkable effect, how much I've lost, and more than anything else, how once lost its lost forever.
It can be so scary. When you can't sleep, and when you do sleep you wake up in a cold sweat. You wonder what's happening to you. It makes you do things you wouldn't otherwise have done. Things you recognise are completely pointless, but you do, because hope is all you've got left.
I wish so desperately that I wasn't built like this. Its hard enough keeping my mind on what's important.
But dear god, surely these nightmares are uncalled for?
Putting me back in places I never want to be again, looking at things and people I never want to see again.
Illustrating with remarkable effect, how much I've lost, and more than anything else, how once lost its lost forever.
It can be so scary. When you can't sleep, and when you do sleep you wake up in a cold sweat. You wonder what's happening to you. It makes you do things you wouldn't otherwise have done. Things you recognise are completely pointless, but you do, because hope is all you've got left.
I wish so desperately that I wasn't built like this. Its hard enough keeping my mind on what's important.
But dear god, surely these nightmares are uncalled for?
Sunday, December 02, 2007
More pet peeves
First pet peeve.
Men.
Men who make conversation talking about women. Did you know that more than half of what people think is male bonding happens over women?
They're all bitches, man. Love and leave 'em. That's all they're good for.
Forget the face, f*** the base, get out of the place. (Or some such, I don't quite remember)
Creating an "other", dishing that "other", and feeling closer. Almost a siege mentality. Ugh. I'm not interested. I happen to not be ten years old.
I'm not done.
Same men also ask you if you have a girlfriend. Annoying. Firstly, all of this is evaluatory conversation. Getting a feel for the person. Its rather tragic that you get classified by whether you have a girlfriend or not. (I also object to use of the word "have" in this context.) I don't remember ever asking any of my friends that. Not even when I was fifteen.
Teehee. Its like one tribesman asking another if he's fought and killed a lion yet.
Moreover, I'd rather not remember or talk about the people I've dated. They were lovely, and unlike most people who've been close to me I think they don't dislike me. But even so, those memories are best left in dark corners, I think. For any number of reasons.
I'm still not done.
Same men are also shocked when I tell them I'm single. They tell me it can't be. They find it hard to believe I can't find a girlfriend. Some of them intelligent and...ahem...with experience. Hmph!
Bugs me. As if...nevermind. There. That's pet peeve numero uno.
Next pet peeve.
Management graduates. I'm starting to loathe them. Why in god's name is everybody doing a management degree? It appears to be the one subject that, more than any other, people do for money rather than passion, or interest. It sounds purely and positively evil.
Well, it might be because a lot who're doing it are engineering graduates. They're a pet peeve too. Natural progression. I refuse to believe people management skills could be so valued. A management degree chap told me that you learn soft skills and suchlike which are really useful.
Example?
"Say you have a workplace with equal number of men and women. That creates its own dynamic, and you need to know how to get the best out of them..."
Sounds like not much more than reinforcing popular presumptions and prejudices to me. Bah. Admittedly they learn lots of fancy economics and stuff. Well they should call it an economics degree then, shouldn't they?
Teaching things like psychology, people-management, leadership and so on does more evil than good, I think.
There. That's the other pet peeve. I'll think of more in time. Maybe. Its a mood thing.
Men.
Men who make conversation talking about women. Did you know that more than half of what people think is male bonding happens over women?
They're all bitches, man. Love and leave 'em. That's all they're good for.
Forget the face, f*** the base, get out of the place. (Or some such, I don't quite remember)
Creating an "other", dishing that "other", and feeling closer. Almost a siege mentality. Ugh. I'm not interested. I happen to not be ten years old.
I'm not done.
Same men also ask you if you have a girlfriend. Annoying. Firstly, all of this is evaluatory conversation. Getting a feel for the person. Its rather tragic that you get classified by whether you have a girlfriend or not. (I also object to use of the word "have" in this context.) I don't remember ever asking any of my friends that. Not even when I was fifteen.
Teehee. Its like one tribesman asking another if he's fought and killed a lion yet.
Moreover, I'd rather not remember or talk about the people I've dated. They were lovely, and unlike most people who've been close to me I think they don't dislike me. But even so, those memories are best left in dark corners, I think. For any number of reasons.
I'm still not done.
Same men are also shocked when I tell them I'm single. They tell me it can't be. They find it hard to believe I can't find a girlfriend. Some of them intelligent and...ahem...with experience. Hmph!
Bugs me. As if...nevermind. There. That's pet peeve numero uno.
Next pet peeve.
Management graduates. I'm starting to loathe them. Why in god's name is everybody doing a management degree? It appears to be the one subject that, more than any other, people do for money rather than passion, or interest. It sounds purely and positively evil.
Well, it might be because a lot who're doing it are engineering graduates. They're a pet peeve too. Natural progression. I refuse to believe people management skills could be so valued. A management degree chap told me that you learn soft skills and suchlike which are really useful.
Example?
"Say you have a workplace with equal number of men and women. That creates its own dynamic, and you need to know how to get the best out of them..."
Sounds like not much more than reinforcing popular presumptions and prejudices to me. Bah. Admittedly they learn lots of fancy economics and stuff. Well they should call it an economics degree then, shouldn't they?
Teaching things like psychology, people-management, leadership and so on does more evil than good, I think.
There. That's the other pet peeve. I'll think of more in time. Maybe. Its a mood thing.
Oh dear...
All the cases you will get, are about one thing and one thing only. Money. How much. Your client doesn't want to know if he's won or lost. He just wants to know how much he's going to get. You will find that your success will not be measured in whether you got a decision of unfair dismissal or not, but whether you should be happy with a 1000 pound settlement or if you should have got 2000. If you did, rest assured, you and I are going to have a little chat.
Most of the time clients will think they can get their old jobs back. Take it from me, that almost never happens. Fifteen years of practice and I saw it happen in two, and one was in very exceptional circumstances.
Ofcourse this is broadly what you will get. There are times when you'll be asked to argue something completely from left field. I had this one case, where this security guard had been dismissed. He'd been an employee of the company for years, and then got sacked for something minor, which he probably did anyway. When I interviewed him I told him, he was going to be fighting a losing battle, and he really shouldn't count on anything from the action. And he told me that it wasn't about saying he'd been unfairly dismissed, or about a compensation package. He didn't want any of that.
"I just want me dog back, mate." He said.
He'd been given a guard dog to accompany him while on duty, and they'd been together for years on job sites. And now that he'd been sacked they'd taken the dog back. He wanted me to ask the tribunal for his dog!
As you can imagine I lost and was lucky not to be laughed at. The company said it was impossible as the dog had already been allocated to another guard at another site. But this is just to tell you, be prepared for anything.
(Observation: Its the sort of case I'd fight tooth and nail for)
That apart, wish me luck. These are just the first few steps, and I am so thoroughly intimidated. Wish me luck. I'm being held to a standard that might just be way above my abilities. I hope that isn't the case, and I can manage.
Most of the time clients will think they can get their old jobs back. Take it from me, that almost never happens. Fifteen years of practice and I saw it happen in two, and one was in very exceptional circumstances.
Ofcourse this is broadly what you will get. There are times when you'll be asked to argue something completely from left field. I had this one case, where this security guard had been dismissed. He'd been an employee of the company for years, and then got sacked for something minor, which he probably did anyway. When I interviewed him I told him, he was going to be fighting a losing battle, and he really shouldn't count on anything from the action. And he told me that it wasn't about saying he'd been unfairly dismissed, or about a compensation package. He didn't want any of that.
"I just want me dog back, mate." He said.
He'd been given a guard dog to accompany him while on duty, and they'd been together for years on job sites. And now that he'd been sacked they'd taken the dog back. He wanted me to ask the tribunal for his dog!
As you can imagine I lost and was lucky not to be laughed at. The company said it was impossible as the dog had already been allocated to another guard at another site. But this is just to tell you, be prepared for anything.
(Observation: Its the sort of case I'd fight tooth and nail for)
That apart, wish me luck. These are just the first few steps, and I am so thoroughly intimidated. Wish me luck. I'm being held to a standard that might just be way above my abilities. I hope that isn't the case, and I can manage.
Dope, Crack...my fix.
You will be responsible for making decisions on these people's futures. What you say in that tribunal will affect their lives. You cannot screw up. If you do, both you and I, who's responsible for you, might be sued for negligence. Get used to the idea.
It's been awhile since the pulse raced like this.
Employment law is probably the one area of law which has the largest amount of discrimination law tied into it. Disrcimination on the basis of sex, sexual orientation, medical history, political opinions, the lot.
Oh my word. I remember studying feminist jurisprudence in college. At the time it was just academic interest. I wanted to read things that I might not otherwise have read, and give my thinking an added dimension.
But here I am now. And it's likely to be the most useful thing I did in law school. Thank you.
My God. I'm doing so many things with my life. I'm completely up in the air. I don't know if I miss the comfort of being on the ground. This is one of those moments when I'm completely intoxicated. Just one case, and I could die tomorrow.
There's also this recurring mental image. A comet, a shooting star. Travelling at phenomenal speed. Getting hotter and hotter by the second. Burning itself up. You're advised not to come too close, or you might get sucked in.
Hurtling towards its own destruction.
What will become of me? There are times when I wish I could be like everybody else. Take a nice easy job, comfortable within a structured existence, content to just be. But I can't shake the feeling I'm built for glorious failure, rather than breakaway success. There is no middle ground. I've tried to be otherwise, and it hasn't happened.
"The future is a shifting thing. And he cuts like a blade through it."
Wisdom in a video game, of all places. I hope I don't hurt anybody, or disappoint anybody. There are people, crazy people, who'd like to see me reach a stage of stable success. Some of them are family. If where I ended up made them unhappy, I won't know what to do.
It's been awhile since the pulse raced like this.
Employment law is probably the one area of law which has the largest amount of discrimination law tied into it. Disrcimination on the basis of sex, sexual orientation, medical history, political opinions, the lot.
Oh my word. I remember studying feminist jurisprudence in college. At the time it was just academic interest. I wanted to read things that I might not otherwise have read, and give my thinking an added dimension.
But here I am now. And it's likely to be the most useful thing I did in law school. Thank you.
My God. I'm doing so many things with my life. I'm completely up in the air. I don't know if I miss the comfort of being on the ground. This is one of those moments when I'm completely intoxicated. Just one case, and I could die tomorrow.
There's also this recurring mental image. A comet, a shooting star. Travelling at phenomenal speed. Getting hotter and hotter by the second. Burning itself up. You're advised not to come too close, or you might get sucked in.
Hurtling towards its own destruction.
What will become of me? There are times when I wish I could be like everybody else. Take a nice easy job, comfortable within a structured existence, content to just be. But I can't shake the feeling I'm built for glorious failure, rather than breakaway success. There is no middle ground. I've tried to be otherwise, and it hasn't happened.
"The future is a shifting thing. And he cuts like a blade through it."
Wisdom in a video game, of all places. I hope I don't hurt anybody, or disappoint anybody. There are people, crazy people, who'd like to see me reach a stage of stable success. Some of them are family. If where I ended up made them unhappy, I won't know what to do.
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