T.R.J.Nair

has met someone.

Do excuse the hiatus. ;)

He'll be back in a while.

T.R.J.Nair

is going into his first negotiation.



And he's going in, all by his lonesome, to face what will be in all likelihood a battery of solicitors paid 35 pounds an hour or something.



(And for the sheer bloody f*** of it, he's going to show up in faded jeans and a t-shirt. 'cause he really doesn't answer to anybody. Some kicks in life one must have, no?)



If he's lucky he'll only find one solicitor. Which means he could struggle a bit, but either way, it's lamb to the slaughter time. He's having these nightmares of crouching sheepishly in a corner, being alternatively threatened and cajoled by these goodcopbadcopsuitedtothegillsshinyshoednicebutnotreally type people.



'tis prayer time. Pray for me, please.



Nair has also received two rejection letters from big evil solicitors. Nair hasn't even had the time to be depressed about it. Sheesh.



Life is one crazy mixed bag, and Nair has precious little clue of where he'll end up, or what in heaven's name will happen to him.



God help me. I could use it.

Memories

A lot of em have been taken from me. Most, if not all of it feels fake. Like it never happened, was never supposed to.

Oh well.

But I'll never forget.

It's a warm, fuzzy feeling. A nice memory. I won't forget.

Take care.

First time...

Y'know how, as an average male you never really think about sexual harassment?

I mean, yeah well, you'll think about it. But not think think, y'know? There isn't that urgency of thought, that need to explain, to question, because it doesn't affect you directly?

It's like genocide in Kenya. If you had to think about it, you'd probably care, but you don't really think about it, do you? It's in the news. That's about it.

Which may or may not explain why women seem to think sexual harassment happens on a regular basis, while men think it's an occasional thing. I found the difference fascinating. You'd think men would notice?

It's complicated by the fact that it doesn't happen when a woman is with a man. Oh well...

Do men just not look for these things? Can't be. Wouldn't you notice? Especially if it was so frequent?

Oh well...

I can only suspect it happens frequently. I don't know it does. I've never seen it happen. Part of it is probably the protected upbringing I've had. Chaffeured around Madras as a schoolboy, and then locked away in Alcatraz for five years.

My first experience of sexual harassment was being accused of it. Tonnes of fun, that was. It's gifted me the default presumption of not believing most stories of sexual harassment. Lovely.

Anyhoo...

That's changed. I witnessed one incident today. Two men in a car decided to whistle after two women walking in front of me. Nothing happened. Women just walked on without looking back.

And no, ofcourse I didn't do anything. I probably wouldn't have either, even if something did happen. Two men, both I suspect, significantly bigger than me. I would have just run.

"Even if something did happen"

Hehehehehehehehehehhe

That was fun.

Something did happen. I just didn't think it was something. My standards of "something" are very different. Apparently.

Funny feeling, noticing these things about yourself.

A guided missile

"It probably sounds foolish," he said, "if I make a solemn pronouncement, but do you know what's the matter with you? You lack the very thing that makes a man a man: the ability to accept a situation."

Safety nets

A touch of good news.

A few more options...options I don't want to have to take, but they're there, and it feels comforting.

There is only one thing I want though.

There's this nagging feeling. The way life has worked, I've never gotten exactly what I want. Life doesn't work that way. It makes me look realistically at these options, trying to picture myself there, wondering what it would entail.

I wish...I wish...

More prayers.

I think I'm being taken care of. :). We shall see.

Sigh

I suffer not only from depression, headaches, laziness, and the mystical ability to detect smells through the telephone, the most terrible affliction of all is my disposition to monogamy; there is only one woman with whom I can do everything that men do with women: Marie, and since she left me I live as a monk is supposed to live; only- I am not a monk. I had wondered whether I ought to drive out to the country and ask one of the priests in my old school for advice, but all these jokers regard human beings as polygamous creatures (that's why they defend monogamy so strenuously), I would be bound to seem like a freak to them, and their advice would be confined to a veiled reference to the domain in which, so they believe, love is for sale.

Oh dear god....

Life's been too full to blog.

Just too many things happening.

More that need to happen. :(.

I also have no time to read.

Tragic. It really is.

Oh and...Rahul the lawyer is very impressive in person. Oh, I didn't suspect it either. But it's nice.

Hmmm...

It's one of those black depression days.

Brought on by a scholarship rejection letter.

It feels so utterly pointless.

Why bother?

I knew way back in September I had next to no chance.

These things just won't happen for me.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....................

Must get used to the idea that when English dude says "lots" of cases, he means maybe ten, or fifteen, if you're lucky.

Bah.

Upshot is Nair hasn't gotten his own case...yet.

And if he does, it'll probably be too late to put on his CV, or worse, will be smack bang in the middle of exams.

Oh dear god...

Send up a prayer.

And go back on Monday or Tuesday, and see if things work out.

Oh dear god...

I'm terrified.

So terrified.

Witness statements, client interviews, direct examinations, cross examinations, opening statements, closing arguments.

Waaaah!

These are not things a little boy knows how to do.

I just hope I'm good enough. I'd like to not screw up somebody's life.

Somebody's life. I'm having panic attacks.

Why do you want to be a commercial solicitor?

Well...uhhh...here's the thing...

I don't.

Sniff.

I'm doomed.

Insomnia

Well

I can't sleep.

And no, there are no nightmares. It's been a pretty decent couple of weeks actually. Touchwood.

A fair few happy thoughts bouncing around the head, which is a pleasant change.

I can't sleep 'cause I'm coughing through the night.

:(.

Oh well.

Things went well today. I think I got lucky. And that's a pleasant feeling. I did deserve it, but I needed a little bit of luck to make it through. Praying helps, yes?

It's also the first time I've beaten female mooters.

Actually not. I've beaten lots of them individually. Not as a team. And this was very much an individual thing.

Stil nice.

They've increased the fees for next year's course. Which bites. That upset me for a bit.

Oh well.

Onwards and upwards. Sore throat and all.

I might crash and burn. But tonight, I'm not thinking about that.

Maybe I'll read.

Been awhile. Almost three weeks. Nothing upsets me more than not having the time for them.

Phew!

Visa's come through. :). (Cue sighs of relief and thank you prayers).

One mini pupillage over.

I've also become the kind of chap who connects with women better than men. When did that happen?

I mean really...

Oh and...was invited into the female barrister's robing room. 'cause the barrister I was with wanted to show me how it felt for her having to spend more time in the male robing rooms than in the female ones as a pupil.

Spent ten minutes being stared at very suspiciously. Was interesting.

As for the connection thing...

well...

guys don't write letters. Well they won't to me, anyway. That's important in my current uprooted state.

That apart, it's interesting.

As long as I don't forget how to enjoy male company it should be fine. Would be sad if that happened.