Sigh

I've been working hard. I know that much.

But I wonder if its getting me anywhere at all? I'm trying to keep it up as well.

You know they say, excellence is a habit, not a goal. Well I'm trying to make it one. But its so hard to keep it up. Its so much harder when it goes unappreciated. Where everybody pats themselves on the back for work you did. Sigh.

Sitting and critiquing my work. Decorating the Christmas tree when I'm the one who chopped it down and put it in the room. And then deciding to do this and that with it.

Come deadline day it will be back on my plate. And I will burn the midnight oil to save their blushes and then what? Fade away, while they sit and exult over how wonderful they are.

I suppose its called teamwork. Sigh.

I can't do this.

It boils down to the money, I think. I'd take all of this if I got paid better.

Its just...I need to find the romance again. It kept me going. My gown's all crumpled, and I no longer feel like ironing it. If that says something, and doesn't sound silly saying it.

All that dreaming was bad for me. Its hard to refocus.

Its awful. Its so awful.

Oh dear. I do very seriously need to find again what I loved about this job. At the moment it isn't there.

I did think though. Yesterday in court I had a small little something. An annoying little something. Prayer hastily written thats completely without jurisdiction that I now have to argue for. I haven't much of a choice. I know its wrong.

Make a plea to the court, to use its inherent power to do complete justice.

I remember saying its only the awful lawyers who use arguments like that. What happened to me?

I agreed to an adjournment. There was no option cause it was unlikely to be heard in full that day anyway. And my client's not directly involved in the suit. So its really upto the other parties to decide when and how to do things.

After which, there was this huge intellectual property case. Two senior advocates stood up to square off. And the court stood still. The judge who was so in love with his own humour kept his mouth shut.

And arguments began.

I sat and listened. For a brief ten minutes, I saw what I wanted to be. Its been a while now.

Will I ever get there?

I nearly cried out of desire. It still looks so wonderful. Just further and further away. Is what I'm doing really going to get me there? Do I have what it takes? Do I want to?

I don't know.

This is not easy. There's only so long I can buckle down and work hard, before the dam bursts. Sigh.